1 in 4

That is the statistic isn't it, 1 in 4 people will at some point suffer from a mental health problem.

I am one of these statistics.

I have suffered from depression for many years. I am lucky in that I can have long periods of time when I am unaffected but when the cloud descends I am left floundering in a world that becomes grey and frightening.

I find it strange that I am ashamed of this. I am a sensible person with balanced views on mental illness. I know it is exactly that: an illness. It does not make me weak, nor is it something that I can "get a grip of".

My most severe episode occurred after my daughter was born. I became withdrawn, terrified of leaving the house and started hearing voices. My man in uniform struggled to deal with me, he is a practical person, his training teaches him to patch people up and he is focussed on tangible outcomes. My behaviour was a mystery to him. From the outside there appeared to be nothing wrong, this wasn't something that could be rectified with a couple of paracetamol and some vitamin C. And there was no obvious cause to my depression, no bereavement, no job loss, nothing that could account for me becoming the person I had become.

I struggled to communicate with him. I honestly think that he was scared of me. He couldn't just pop me in the back of his ambulance and cart me off to hospital. And in his medically-modelled mind Im sure there was a part of him that wanted to tell me to "man up".

Fortunately I had a brilliant, understanding and pro active GP. I think him being married to a consultant psychiatrist probably didn't hurt! He listened and took me seriously. With both drug and counselling input I was able to get through that period of my life.

Looking back over my adult life I can spot times when I was overtaken by the dark cloud. I was lucky That I was able to ask for help from my family and a hope that these times have not impacted on my son. It pains me to admit now hat there were times I was just not capable of caring for him. With the support of family and friends I think he continued to have a loving, if slightly unconventional upbringing.

Now, when I feel the cloud descending I am upfront about it with my man in uniform. He still doesn't fully understand but at least I can try and offer some explanation about my behaviour.

And in the future, maybe I can put aside my embarrassment and be honest with others outside my trusted circle. I'm not at that point yet but I try, whenever possible to confront this part of me with dignity.

I am 1 in 4. And I hope this simple fact will enable me to offer support and empathy to others just like me.